“Only assholes use Twitter, right guys?”

Hip Hop Boasts Timeline

“Just found out my new Zodiac sign. Looks like I wasn’t supposed to kill all those people in San Francisco in the ’60s after all.”

“Whenever a cop in a movie gets busted down to desk duty, I’m reminded that my job is other people’s jobs punishment.”

“If it were really Opposite Day, it would be night.”

“When I get really sad about life, I like to drink a bunch of Mai Tais. That way, at least it’s a tropical depression.”

“Never recycle. It just let’s your neighbors see what a drunk you are.”

“Usually I don’t learn very much in meetings, but in today’s meeting I learned how much fun binder clips are.”

“The CEO of AT&T just got married - The reception was so-so, and the service was terrible.”